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By Christopher Breen
Note:This article is an excerpt from "MAC 911" © 2002 Christopher Breen Reproduced by permission of Pearson Education, Inc. Publishing as Peachpit Press. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. To buy this book, visit www.peachpit.com
If you're new to the Web, you're undoubtedly there because you've heard so many glowing reports about the online world: email transmitted in a micro-moment, vast reserves of information just waiting to be mined, terabytes of downloadable software…a veritable silver lining with nary a cloud in sight. Web veterans realize, of course, that this utopian notion is pure hokum. The e-world is, if anything, less forgiving than this mortal coil. (If you doubt me, try making the mistake of posting the same message twice to a newsgroup. The flaming responses you receive would make a hockey player blush.)
In such a potentially churlish and unforgiving place, it helps to know the rules of the road, and that's exactly what I propose to provide. Join me as I reveal 10 Surefire Ways to Become Wildly Unpopular on the Web.
Every computer keyboard has a Caps Lock key, and although it's a handy "always run" key for Quake, it's appropriate for use in online communications only when you really want to torque someone off. But you must all-cap correctly. A single all-capped word is used for emphasis, as in "The coffee you spilled in my lap is HOT!" Whose feathers would be ruffled by that? Ah, but watch what happens when you capitalize the entire sentence: "THE COFFEE YOU SPILLED IN MY LAP IS HOT!" Now you're cooking! That stream of capital letters hint that you're thiiisss close to delivering the electronic equivalent of a poke in the snoot.
You've probably heard this term used to describe the electronic junk mail stuffed into every mailbox in computerdom (and stuffed six or seven times into mailboxes belonging to AOL members). The term also applies to a message posted multiple times across bulletin boards and newsgroups. More often than not, people post messages to multiple groups because they can't determine the appropriate place to post; therefore, they go for the scattershot approach. If you enjoy having your character impugned by all comers, spam at will (and if Will's not available, spam everyone else).
Care to demonstrate what a lazy sod you are? Impatiently demand information without bothering to research the answer on your own. FAQs (frequently asked questions), manuals, and previous posts may—and probably do—contain the answer you're seeking. Avoid documentation at all costs if you want to inspire ire.
If you want to join the ranks of the hotheaded, it's always a good idea to fire off a huffy response instantly to messages you disagree with. When you do, you're likely to get just as good as you gave—affording you the opportunity to demonstrate the principle of perpetual motion by starting the cycle again with yet another immediate, testy response.
This tip is a great one for people who feel that the universe reveres their every burp and chortle. The truly intolerable will find a cozy newsgroup devoted to the serious discussion of Subject X, Y, or Z and take an unreasonably opposing viewpoint. To rise to the top of the class, sprinkle the subject heading of your inappropriate posts with such adolescent terms as suck (as in "PCs Suck!") and rules (as in "Apple Rules!"). Then sit back and watch in smug satisfaction as the quality of the discussion plummets!
This technique works best if the email and attachment are sent to a person you barely know or, better yet, a total stranger. Just imagine the questioning consternation of your victims ("Should I accept this file? Who is this guy!?") as they watch a 2.2 MB file that contains nothing more than an uncompressed picture of your dog wearing sunglasses and a fedora trickle across their 28.8 connection. This trick is particularly exasperating thanks to the existence of computer viruses. Nearly everyone is aware that viruses can be transmitted via email attachments, and sending just such an attachment forces your recipients to strip precious moments from their day to run your file through a virus-scanning program.
Look up the term blowhard in the dictionary, and if your name appears as the colloquial definition, this one's for you. After all, what good are the dozens of dollars spent on technical publications if you can't talk the talk in all the wrong places? To make this tip work, enter a newsgroup, and look for an innocent post along the lines of "I'm not a very savvy computer user, and my Mac (I think it's a beige G3 of some kind) seems to have slowed down recently. Any ideas?" Then respond:
"A beige G3!? Hello! Welcome to the 21st century! If you're gonna stick with this pile, you're gonna have to overclock your processor and upgrade your hard drive. You know what THOSE are, don't you?" After that, drift into line after line of obscure and possibly dangerous instructions without bothering to explain one syllable of it.
Bonus points if your advice is completely off the mark.
To invite the kind of response outlined in tip 7, when you ask for help, be unspecific about your problems—particularly when someone politely asks for clarification. This model may help:
You: "My Mac is broken."
Them: "Broken in what way? Will it start up?"
You: "I don't know; it's just kind of broken."
Them: "Is it plugged in? Does the screen light up when you turn it on?"
You: "How should I know? It's got ALL KINDS of plugs in it. It's just BROKEN! HELP ME!!"
This technique is also a jim-dandy when you're calling tech support.
You can do your part to help strangle what little remains of the Net's bandwidth by creating or passing along electronic chain mail. You know what I mean—messages that begin this way: "DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN! A resident of Delaware neglected to send 27 copies of this message to his unsuspecting friends and developed a short-lived but very nasty itch."
You may think that passing along messages that might actually do some good—raise awareness for one cause or another, for example—won't incur the kind of wrath you seek. Fear not. Regardless of the content of the message, no one, but no one, really likes to get chain mail.
A just-for-fun project: Test the faith of chain-mailers by sending the mail right back to those who helped push it along. No chain mail I've ever seen has a "no back-sies" clause.
Finally, the surefire, can't-be-beat method for becoming wildly unpopular on the Internet: Intentionally wreck other people's fun. Try popping in and out of a lively chat room like a jack-in-the-box while using inappropriate language, or entering a peaceful online game and killing anyone who crosses your path. It's possible that some people may chalk up the previous nine offenses to ignorance, but nary a soul will forgive such willfully destructive acts.
And there you have it—10 simple steps to becoming an Internet outcast. May those of you who practice these methods earn the rewards you so richly deserve.
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